Thanksgiving

US Correspondent young jerk talks Thanksgiving, turkeys, Bernard Matthews and Norwich City.

 America loves to eat. This we know. But, did you know that one of the major American holidays has its foundations in food? Food is one of the pillars of the American way of life; that and screaming out “WOOO!” when something pleasurable occurs.

Thanksgiving day is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November every year. Believe it or not, Thanksgiving is even sometimes called “turkey day.” Eccentric time-travelling turkey millionaire Bernard Matthews is suspected (by me) to have played a large role in popularising the consumption of the turkey at thanksgiving time, as is a mysterious player, who has yet to reveal himself on the world stage - the surprisingly affluent cranberry sauce magnate. Such suspicions cast a looming shadow over an otherwise pheasant affair; and repeated emails from myself to Mr. Matthews have met with what some would call, over the top protests. Getting back however, to the meat of the conversation - if you pardon the pun - the early American settlers were so very grateful to local Indians for showing them how to catch the native animals and to grow native crops, that they invited them all along to a feast! And what a jolly time they had; feasting and cavorting, laughing heartily, and transferring seemingly non-lethal, virulent bacterium to their savage hosts. Eventually killing many. Over the following three hundred years, the American settlers systematically seized all of their land and marched them westward.

 

To their Doom.

I don’t want to dwell on the above situation for too long but, it strikes me as enormously ironic that it was by helping the pilgrims to survive, that Bernard Mathews inaugurated the decline of the Indian way of life, and of the downright theft of their sacred land, and of the killing of many, many Indians by marching them across huge distances to arid, barren lands. If that doesn’t sum up the mean-heartedness of “Big Turkey” or the meat processing industry in general, then I don’t know what would.

You may scoff at the sheer amount of food consumed by America, but it is difficult to compare to any other nation. The physical constitution of the average American is more capable of accepting and breaking down a greater variety of fats than any other nation on earth. In fact, in America, nutritional science is so unique that the food pyramid just doesn’t exist! They just skipped over an entire cultural epoch and joined higher up the scale, in Ancient Greece. Pillar supported structures are the rich man's pyramid (and I mean rich like a chocolate mousse). Not only do pillars look more impressive, imply strength and hold up ceilings (or hold up floors if you’re a pessimist) but, well, they are just not as architecturally limiting as a pyramid.

So let us re-cap, we have the pillar of food, consisting of grease in its various mutations, and you have the pillar of “Wooo!” consisting of over-exuberant Americans at football games. Obviously, such an unstable construction could only really support a two dimensional structure, or an ornamental arch at best. Damn you The French! Your arch de triumph may be more physically imposing than London’s marble arch, but only the Queen and select soldiers can walk under ours! Can your queen walk under yours? Oh I forgot, you chopped her head off! Therefore it becomes clear to even the casual observer that there must be more to Thanksgiving than just turkey. Actually, the pumpkin pie is quite delicious, with a pinch of cinnamon sugar.

If you the reader, want to get a clearer picture of just how deeply this love for fast food sits in the constitution of the average American, then look no further than the constitution of America, further proof of the clandestine activities of turkey entrepreneur Bernard Matthews can be found in the constitution. If you look closely, it becomes clear how deeply mired in the history of America Bernard Matthews actually is:

To bring these proceedings to a close, it only needs to be briefly mentioned that I will have the privilege of joining a genuine American family in their Thanksgiving celebrations this year, up in New Jersey. I imagine that I will be enjoying myself immensely, drinking beers, watching the football, and passing on the turkey; While Turkey conglomerista Bernard Matthews will be having a miserable Thanksgiving in Norwich for a number of reasons:

1 There is no Thanksgiving holiday in England


2 He will be spending time in Norwich


3 Norwich are doing incredibly poorly in the football


4 He is a miserable sod anyway


5 He lost most of his stock of horrendously abused turkeys


6 See above.